How Much Inner Dreck Can One Person Possibly Have?

Two months ago I got hit with a torrent of inner conflicts/issues/etc., what I will refer to as dreck. The dreck included huge lifetime struggles with body image, my intense craving for approval, and my occasional impatience with  chronic illness.

​It was intense.

I know that deep spiritual practice tends to stir things up. But along with the dreck came an attitude I didn’t even know I had: I should be done with this by now.

I should be, right? I’ve done therapy off and  on for 40 years. I’ve kept a journal off and on for 40 years. Plenty of time to steam-shovel the big stuff, so that all I have to do now is fine tune.

No. As God/Reality/the Universe was trying to tell me, it doesn’t work that way.

People I respect confirmed this message. My Zen teacher compared self-transformation to “peeling the infinite layers of an onion.” My spiritual director told me about an interview with Carl Jung in which he said the conscious mind never stops processing, even in the face of death.

The clincher, for me, was a famous line from Dogen, the monk who brought Zen to Japan: “To study the Buddha Way is to study the self.” (Full text of the quote here.) Since studying the Buddha Way can take forever, why wouldn’t studying the self?

Sigh.

So, no: I guess we’re never done with the inner dreck. Conflicts we’ve long suppressed finally come to the surface. Issues we’ve dealt with for years demand another go. Spiritual practice keeps stirring the pot.

But why bother? On one level I want to say we’re asked to do it. On another, though, we mine such rich veins of life in the process. Sometimes we find deep healing, as I’m now finding—maybe for the first time since I was eight—with body image. Sometimes we glimpse a clear, liberating view of reality, and it takes our breath away, and that clarity and liberation are worth the whole long hard slog.

This aspect of life isn’t for everyone, that’s for sure. But if it calls to you, pay attention. You’re in for one hell of a ride.

Questions? Comments? Bring ‘em.