When You Just Can’t

[I’ve made] a new resolution, to write these few lines [in this diary] every day.      --The Duty of Delight: The Diaries of Dorothy Day, May 30, 1937

​Dorothy’s diary jumps from August 1937 to June 1938.      —ibid., ed. note, 1938
 
In other words: Dorothy Day, one of the deepest, most beloved, most accomplished Catholics of the twentieth century, failed—more than once—in much the same way I do on a regular basis.

My failure lies in weekly church attendance. We love the 8:00 a.m. Sunday service at our local Episcopal parish. But Saturday is chore day. When I overdo the chores—which is nearly always—I exhaust what little energy long COVID allots to me. Therefore, zero energy for church.

I should just acknowledge this to myself, but I don’t. Instead, guilt is a regular feature of my early Sunday mornings. Maybe this week…I’ve got half an hour, and if I shower quickly…but I get dizzy when I walk around…but God wants me to go (I presume)…so let’s try eating breakfast…no, that didn’t help…

You know the gig?

Recently, during my daily prayer time, I ran across the editor’s note above in Day’s published diary, and I couldn’t help laughing. Dorothy’s failure tells me I need a new mindset. Enough with the useless guilt. I’ll get to church if I can. I won’t if I can’t. I won’t stop trying, because church is an anchor for me. Dorothy, though she often failed to keep a diary, never stopped trying. I know this because the editor’s note is on page 31, her diary is 700 pages long, and apparently that’s the abridged version.

If unproductive guilt is part of your landscape as it is mine, I hope this helps. Life’s too short for that. I know that productive guilt is actually a thing, and maybe I’ll write about it someday if I ever experience it for myself. For now, though, I’ll just do what I can, as best I can, and I welcome you to do the same.