What It Feels Like, Being Gender-Different in Trumpworld

It feels…strange.

(Note: this article has two parts, as you’ll see below. Just read the part(s) you need. If you’re up to date on Trump anti-trans measures, feel free to skip background on the threat, which starts in the next paragraph, and go right to the underlined subhead so back to the headline several paragraphs later.)

Background on the threat. Since Inauguration Day, Donald Trump has taken many steps to erase gender-different people—trans, non-binary (like me), etc.—from the American landscape. He appears to be doing this in the way he’s pursued many initiatives: take one step toward the ultimate goal, gauge public opinion, and if there’s not much pushback, take another step.

That ultimate goal is still obscure. But Trump’s initial executive order—to remove words like trans, non-binary, and gender-nonconforming from every single publication of the federal government—is sufficient foundation for others to push extreme efforts like those mentioned in a recent Erin Reed overview.

Because of this trajectory, I don’t know what the near-term future holds for gender-different people. Few people do.

Friends have reassured me that the federal government won’t come after me. That may be. Without a doubt, I am very small potatoes in this very large world. But even if the government doesn’t worry about average folks, it has emboldened others to think otherwise. I have no idea whether, somewhere in my town, there’s a Proud Boy with a Glock, looking to make his contribution to the cause.

So back to the headline.

What does it feel like, to live with all this day by day?

I’ve shared with you the steps I’ve formulated to continue living the life to which I’m called (read about it here and here). To review:

1. I will devote myself to living my life as it is.
2. I will try to devote precisely the right level of attention to Trumpworld: not an iota less than necessary to detect oncoming threats/needs for action, not an iota more than it warrants.

By and large, step #1 is holding up well. My writing time has been extraordinarily productive. I’m still seeing my people for spiritual direction. I’m ahead of the game on household tasks. My spiritual practice is an anchor.

Step #2, though, is trickier. I keep having to recalculate “right level of attention.” It is so easy to overTrump, which puts me in sensory overload. At the moment, I’ve realized I have only enough bandwidth to keep up on gender-different issues in depth and scan for other developments as they arise. Mostly I’m depending on two independent journalists to give me the depth and breadth I need. I don’t agree with them all the time, but I know their worldviews well enough to make good use of their excellent reporting.

Oh, and I’m trying, very hard, to stop scrolling Facebook, at least for a while. I may miss seeing friends, which grieves me. But the overall value of scrolling is so low right now, and the sensory overload so high, that my sanity demands it.

Back to the question: how does it feel? On certain days it feels deeply fulfilling. On other days, especially when I've overTrumped, it's darker. But the shadow of Trump's menace is always there. So a "good day" during the last administration feels different from a "good day" now, because the world is never very far away. 

One more thing for now. An awful lot of friends have sent me messages of love and encouragement. They’re wonderful. And…I want to make clear that, bottom line, blog posts like this one aren’t intended to be “about me.” I’m hoping that these glimpses of one non-binary person’s inner life will inspire more empathy in the world—and maybe give other trans and non-binary folks that wonderful sense that they’re not alone.